I Don't Want to Love You

 I fall more in love with you the further I stray.

Because you without distraction,

Means me without distraction.

Both of our businesses bloom when we're apart.

Which makes the sapiosexual in me,

wish this shit didn't have to be so God damn hard.

But you have demons. And so do I.

And our attraction towards one another makes us dive deeper into a demonic cesspool of disgust and disdain.

Hating yourself, hating myself, hating me, hating you .

I feel like there was a time,

where our love wasn't so hard to intertwine.

In that lifetime, our timeline was  sooo divine.

I got to love you with ease, our hands interlocking in the breeze...

mine hand brushing your cheek,

they rose, ever so pleased.

But that time was eons ago, a lifetime times 2x.

In this lifetime the test was not to love you, but to leave you knowing in this life I'd never truly see you.

Your soul I know,

Your ego I don't.

Loving you means sleepless nights filled with anguish and pain,

sorrow and blame

and in time, maybe even bloody veins.

Oh my baby boy, my twin flame, my eternal love that I can't display.

I pray you peace

I pray your prosperity

But most of all I pray you divinity.

You are a divine being who has lost your path.

A beautiful soul, too broken to pass.

I love you J, I love you so.

But loving me, is letting me go.

An 'Ode to Lady Cannabis

 This is my ode to Lady Cannabis,

My serenade to sensimilla.

My love letter to Queen Kush,

Oh myy do I love your bush.

And I don't mean that disrespectfully,

It's not that I'm thinking of you sexually.

You've just lifted me out of my lowest lows

And taken me to my wildest dreams!

On the nights when I didn't believe,

Was when your inhale was at its most sweet.

One puff reminded me that I could,

Two puffs told me that I should,

And three puffs took me to the wild, wild world of all that would.

Though I don't need you,

I do love to breathe you...

In a matrix of magic and malign,

In a projection with the illusion of time,

There's you, Risque Reefer

Making everything seem alright!

So Cheers to Lady Cannabis, And

Let's party until 10pm!

Happy Legalization Day Rhode Island!

Now let's make some good trouble and win!

2023

 Hello old friend, it's you again,

back to bend my brain in two again.

A silent sadness.

The darkest dance.

Why can't my brain be normal? Why can't I ever  feel sane?

Why does life feel like human suffering is an integral part of this game.

Depression is such a finicky little lad.

Difficult yet relatable

Painful, yet comfortable.

Stable, yet unstable.

It's the life, I guess, I've chosen to live?

I met you in 2004, I was in the 3rd grade...

My teacher, Mr. Buyea.

As I looked around at my new classmates,

in my new town,

in my new school,

with my new teacher,

loneliness slowly slithered it's way into my existence and seemingly never left.

I was no longer invited to classmates' houses for playdates.

I didn't know why.

All the girls wanted to dip their sticky fingers into my pretty plats.

I didn't know why.

None of the boys would share their 'good snacks' with me like they did the other girls.

I didn't know why.

As an 8-year old you may not understand why you have to live in this new place called  the suburbs.

Nor do you understand why Daddy doesn't get to live there with you.

But lack of knowledge did not mean lack of pain.

Exemplified through my once chubby cheeks, often tear stained.

Flash forward to my teenage years when I figured out why.

"Do you wash your hair?" They'd ask with a repulsive smirk on their spray-tanned face.

"Twerk, Zara, twerk," they'd scream across the soccer fields, cackling with glee.

"Nigger," hard ER. That was damn near everybody.

As my classmates denied their hurtful expressions,

I guess that's when I just dove deeper into my depression.

I didn't realize what was happening when I would try to cut open my flesh.

I didn't realize why I found mental pleasure in starving my body for days and days.

I didn't realize why the fantasies of my non-existence, were the fantasies I enjoyed most.

So I found a numbing substance in a plant that promised to remedy the pain, bandage the wounds, and allow me to live another day pretending that things were okay.

Flash forward to present day when I realized why these things were happening.

"You seem to suffer from anxiety and depression," said my therapist in 2016.

"She could be bipolar," thought a psychiatrist in 2018

"Are you doing this for attention?" remarked an ER doctor in 2020.

As the times get colder, and the leaves brittle,

I am reminded yet again how unhealed I am.

Though I am now 27.

Inside, I still feel like that 18-year old whose body was taken.

I feel like that 8-year old who missed going to school with kids that invited her to play.

And I feel like the 3-year old who doesn't understand why mommy and daddy yell such nasty words towards each other yet speak so sweetly to me.

But I'm 27 now.

Why is the pain still here?

When will it go away?

Please go away!

I don't want to know you anymore Mr. Depression. I'm done doing this dance.

"It's not that simple," he slithers as he burrows his talons deeper into my back, arching them on the withdraw, snaking out the hope.

OJ

 If I did it I'd let the shrapnel explode into my brain, making it fuzzy bringing in the haze..

If I did it there would be nothing left of me. I'd incinerate my body. The stink of my burning flesh would be gone in the blaze before anyone could know the truth.

If I did it, I'd make it look like I'd disappear, I ran away. Ran away in a blaze of glory. I'd want them to think I'm selfish and silly, not sullen and drear.

I wouldn't want people to know that I lost my battle with depression, that I'd lost my battle to myself.

If I did it, I wouldn't have kids nor a partner nor a mother, father, sister or brother. Those are the people I'd hate to hurt, I'd be sad to leave behind.

If I did it my mental state would be akin to where I'm at now. Feeling drear, feeling drab.

But I wouldn't.

I couldn't.

Heartbreak and Hurt

 I feel so detached, my mental health lapsed

I feel hatred, an emotion that I thought was long gone from my spirit.

A hatred that permeates my mind and envelops my soul.

I feel sadness, which isn't new but it is rare. It's the type of sadness that will leave me crying on the floor in a state of despair.

I feel anger, I feel rage, I feel hate, I feel hate.

Nothing I conjure will heal my hurting heart.

Nothing I say will mend my open wounds.

Nothing I do, will bring me the peace I need to move on.

Except for actually moving on.

Second by second, minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day...I must move on.

Hating you is hurting me. Not because you don't deserve it but because I don't deserve it.

This hate is consuming me and turning me into someone I don't like.

This hate feels so foreign, so vile, so evil, so disgusting...so good?

I'm feeding into the negative energies that promote death and destruction in this world.

Miss Queen of Positivity can only see red until you are dead?

I hate this version of myself...I hate what you brought out of me but I can't blame you forever for being...you.

The hate you give, will always come back to you.

The hate I give, leaves me anxious, saddened and scared.

Who am I becoming, what have I done?

Who am I becoming, what have I done?

It's not too late to change the course that I am on.

It's not too late to turn that negative energy into the fuel I need to propel me to the moon.

It's not too late to move on and never look back.

It's not too late to remove this hatred from my heart and replace it with love.

It's not too late but I must move with intention.

My intention is to be loving, my intention is to

be pure.

I intend to forgive but never forget...

It's not too late to turn this ship around.

I owe it to myself...I've worked too hard to lose myself for the sake of you.

I owe it to my family... they've worked too hard to lose me for the sake of you.

Love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love

Surround myself with love until that's all that I feel. Surround myself with love until it starts to feel real.

I deserve better, I deserve love but first, I must move on and embody the love I want to be through my actions and intentions.

I deserve better, I deserve love...but to receive that real love, I must move on in a real loving way towards others and towards myself.

I will not allow this hate to consume me nor will I allow the rage. It's time to move on with love. It's time to move on with light. It's time to move on...

Plant Man

Before we could talk and before we could walk,

Your love nurtured and nourished us.

Before we could breathe, Before we could think

There was you & your love patiently waiting for your pumpkin dreams to manifest into reality.

Before we were a thought, Before we were born

You had already touched so many people with your love of the Lord, your love for your church, and your love for family.

Yet your love knew no limits nor had any restrictions. Your love is infinite, your love is real, and your love will be felt for generations to come through your legacy.

A seed planted in 1932, bore the most beautiful fruit until 2022.

Our loss is the Lord's gain. While we may be sad and crying, the angels are singing and sighing. Their precious Ed is home..he completed his work, his journey finally over.

He worked hard, hoping it'll pay off for his little ones at home.

He didn't have a high school education but he made sure that ALL 5 of his did!

He knew moving to England then to America would not be easy but it would be worth it. Anything was worth it when he looked into little Courtney, Bevin, Colissa, Curtis, and Glenda's big beautiful eyes that mirrored his own. He would do anything for those precious young souls.

And now, he's doing everything in the spiritual realm to protect those 5 children, 8 grandchildren, and 2 great-grandchildren, the beings that will always be babies to him.

To his wife Gloria Madge, that he was madly in love with until his last day in the physical - Love transcends death, and the love that you all have, can still be felt in this room, as it's why we're all here.

Though his physical form is gone, so is the pain.

Though we've experienced a loss, please remember, this is heaven's gain.

He gave back to his family, his church and his earth. For this, God said "you've worked hard son, come rejoice with me in a garden that knows no thorns or weeds. Just sunshine, fruit, and spiritual melodies."

Thank-you grandpa for your guiding example.

Thank-you grandpa for your loving grace.

Thank-you grandpa for raising the man I love most on this Earth.

Thank-you grandpa for always putting your family first.

I am because you are. I know love because you had so much to give.

Just like a seed planted in 1932, I pray that we continue to experience your everlasting fruit.

Dedicated to Edbert Seymoure Salmon, 1932-2022

Humanity

Good Morning! 

I woke up so it is a good morning.

The sunrays rise, they rise, Good Morning!

The air breathes *take a deep breath*  LIFE 

*breathe* Life onto the trees so they can dance, dance, dance, 

*breathe* Life onto the deer so they can prance, prance, prance, 

*breathe* Life onto the ants so they can till, till, till, 

*breathe* And life onto us, so that we can kill, kill, kill

Good Morning, 

Good Morning, and I awake and I see another life gone due to someone’s complexion, sexuality, or morality. 

I can’t wipe away this skin,

I can’t uncoil my hair, 

I can’t break my nose, thin my lips, or change my voice, 

I can’t,

I don’t 

And I won’t. 

We are more than the skin we are in, 

We are more than the flesh that shrouds are being, 

are hearts,

and our souls. 

This, 

This does not matter, this will die, and this won’t be here forever. 

What lies within is what matters, what lies within is what’s going to be here for whatever is beyond, and then what? 

What’s going to happen, when we stand before the being that created us all,

What’s going to happen when we stand before, he, she, they, it, them GOD!

And our labels are stripped from us.

There will be no Christians, no Muslims, no Jews, Democrats, Republicans,

rich , poor, gays, straights, blacks, or whites. 

Just You and whatever lies within.

Can you say you were a good person? 

Can you say that you didn’t let arbitrary labels affect you? 

In the past, I couldn’t and I did.

But there’s a reason why we all have a heart, and there’s a reason why we all have a brain, and there’s a reason why our insides all look the same, 

WE BLEED AS ONE!

And when I die or transcend, or whatever you want to call it, 

I want to leave the physical realm the way I came in. 

I want to leave the physical realm without malice in my heart,

I want to leave filled with love, and nothing more. 

I am a proud, proud black woman, 

But I am also more than the labels we created tens of thousands of years ago.

I am LOVE! 

We all descend from love!

We are all in this interconnected web of love but we are too entangled in the physical realm to see that. 

Strip me away from my clothes, 

Strip me away from my possessions,

Strip me away from the number in my bank account, 

And strip me away from my brown, black skin and will you finally see what’s within? 

When you hold a baby…when I hold my baby one day, 

All I will see is love in my arms and feel love in my heart 

And that, that is the secret of life

And that is what we are here for, TO LOVE! 

We have to fight against the negativity, the racism, the bias, the sexism, zionism, homophobia, and intolerance of the physical realm and just spread what we were born with…

And that is the purest,

Most earnest, 

Most beautiful form of LOVE,

And if we do that, then, and only then, will we be alright.

Good Morning…