A Letter I Wrote on a Christmas Flight in 2023... Probably After Listening to Mariah

 This letter is to my future husband.

Whoever you are, you're probably really hot!

The warmth of your soul will fill every room you enter.

The sunshine in your heart will melt a hardened soul.

The light in your eyes will flicker when paired with mine.

And your body will radiate as the love between ours intertwine.

And outside of that, I'm manifesting a really nice ass sooo yea, my future hubby is really fucking hot!

I'm writing this letter to say I'm sorry it's taken so long,

It's just; I wasn't ready to fall in love with you because I had to fall in love with me first.

I had to fall in love with the little girl that played with rocks in lieu of friends.

I had to fall in love with the middle school girl that often ate lunch alone.

I had to fall in love with the high schooler who no one asked to prom.

And I had to fall in love with the young woman who experienced her first kiss and first sexual assault in the span of 24-hours, thrice more within a year and found a way to blame herself for each and every one.

For a long time, I didn't think anyone would truly love me for me especially not you so I had to say fuck it and fall in love with me first.

I fell in love with the woman that is often described as positive vibes😊

I fell in love with the woman who gets called angry when speaking on human rights.

I fell in love with the woman who requires time alone but still requests time with friends.

And I fell in love with the woman who spoke on a statewide stage, threw an event that was covered in  newspapers, won an advocacy award, and in that same week had a shut-off notice waiting at her door.

I fell head overheels for that QUEEN!

Because she's a survivor, she's a thriver, and she deserves to be loved unconditionally.

So this is my letter to my future husband, admitting that I want to get married ---the kids and the white picket fence too.

But not at the expense of losing her, just to gain you.

I love you Zara Ayanna Salmon. I'm still falling in love with you but girl, I love you.

And I love you future husband for accepting me for me; and I promise to do the same for you.

So to my hot ass husband and the only man I will call my baby zaddyyyy

If you fall in love with all of me...then baby, I'm ready for all of you.

I Don't Want to Love You

 I fall more in love with you the further I stray.

Because you without distraction,

Means me without distraction.

Both of our businesses bloom when we're apart.

Which makes the sapiosexual in me,

wish this shit didn't have to be so God damn hard.

But you have demons. And so do I.

And our attraction towards one another makes us dive deeper into a demonic cesspool of disgust and disdain.

Hating yourself, hating myself, hating me, hating you .

I feel like there was a time,

where our love wasn't so hard to intertwine.

In that lifetime, our timeline was  sooo divine.

I got to love you with ease, our hands interlocking in the breeze...

mine hand brushing your cheek,

they rose, ever so pleased.

But that time was eons ago, a lifetime times 2x.

In this lifetime the test was not to love you, but to leave you knowing in this life I'd never truly see you.

Your soul I know,

Your ego I don't.

Loving you means sleepless nights filled with anguish and pain,

sorrow and blame

and in time, maybe even bloody veins.

Oh my baby boy, my twin flame, my eternal love that I can't display.

I pray you peace

I pray your prosperity

But most of all I pray you divinity.

You are a divine being who has lost your path.

A beautiful soul, too broken to pass.

I love you J, I love you so.

But loving me, is letting me go.

An 'Ode to Lady Cannabis

 This is my ode to Lady Cannabis,

My serenade to sensimilla.

My love letter to Queen Kush,

Oh myy do I love your bush.

And I don't mean that disrespectfully,

It's not that I'm thinking of you sexually.

You've just lifted me out of my lowest lows

And taken me to my wildest dreams!

On the nights when I didn't believe,

Was when your inhale was at its most sweet.

One puff reminded me that I could,

Two puffs told me that I should,

And three puffs took me to the wild, wild world of all that would.

Though I don't need you,

I do love to breathe you...

In a matrix of magic and malign,

In a projection with the illusion of time,

There's you, Risque Reefer

Making everything seem alright!

So Cheers to Lady Cannabis, And

Let's party until 10pm!

Happy Legalization Day Rhode Island!

Now let's make some good trouble and win!

2023

 Hello old friend, it's you again,

back to bend my brain in two again.

A silent sadness.

The darkest dance.

Why can't my brain be normal? Why can't I ever  feel sane?

Why does life feel like human suffering is an integral part of this game.

Depression is such a finicky little lad.

Difficult yet relatable

Painful, yet comfortable.

Stable, yet unstable.

It's the life, I guess, I've chosen to live?

I met you in 2004, I was in the 3rd grade...

My teacher, Mr. Buyea.

As I looked around at my new classmates,

in my new town,

in my new school,

with my new teacher,

loneliness slowly slithered it's way into my existence and seemingly never left.

I was no longer invited to classmates' houses for playdates.

I didn't know why.

All the girls wanted to dip their sticky fingers into my pretty plats.

I didn't know why.

None of the boys would share their 'good snacks' with me like they did the other girls.

I didn't know why.

As an 8-year old you may not understand why you have to live in this new place called  the suburbs.

Nor do you understand why Daddy doesn't get to live there with you.

But lack of knowledge did not mean lack of pain.

Exemplified through my once chubby cheeks, often tear stained.

Flash forward to my teenage years when I figured out why.

"Do you wash your hair?" They'd ask with a repulsive smirk on their spray-tanned face.

"Twerk, Zara, twerk," they'd scream across the soccer fields, cackling with glee.

"Nigger," hard ER. That was damn near everybody.

As my classmates denied their hurtful expressions,

I guess that's when I just dove deeper into my depression.

I didn't realize what was happening when I would try to cut open my flesh.

I didn't realize why I found mental pleasure in starving my body for days and days.

I didn't realize why the fantasies of my non-existence, were the fantasies I enjoyed most.

So I found a numbing substance in a plant that promised to remedy the pain, bandage the wounds, and allow me to live another day pretending that things were okay.

Flash forward to present day when I realized why these things were happening.

"You seem to suffer from anxiety and depression," said my therapist in 2016.

"She could be bipolar," thought a psychiatrist in 2018

"Are you doing this for attention?" remarked an ER doctor in 2020.

As the times get colder, and the leaves brittle,

I am reminded yet again how unhealed I am.

Though I am now 27.

Inside, I still feel like that 18-year old whose body was taken.

I feel like that 8-year old who missed going to school with kids that invited her to play.

And I feel like the 3-year old who doesn't understand why mommy and daddy yell such nasty words towards each other yet speak so sweetly to me.

But I'm 27 now.

Why is the pain still here?

When will it go away?

Please go away!

I don't want to know you anymore Mr. Depression. I'm done doing this dance.

"It's not that simple," he slithers as he burrows his talons deeper into my back, arching them on the withdraw, snaking out the hope.

OJ

 If I did it I'd let the shrapnel explode into my brain, making it fuzzy bringing in the haze..

If I did it there would be nothing left of me. I'd incinerate my body. The stink of my burning flesh would be gone in the blaze before anyone could know the truth.

If I did it, I'd make it look like I'd disappear, I ran away. Ran away in a blaze of glory. I'd want them to think I'm selfish and silly, not sullen and drear.

I wouldn't want people to know that I lost my battle with depression, that I'd lost my battle to myself.

If I did it, I wouldn't have kids nor a partner nor a mother, father, sister or brother. Those are the people I'd hate to hurt, I'd be sad to leave behind.

If I did it my mental state would be akin to where I'm at now. Feeling drear, feeling drab.

But I wouldn't.

I couldn't.