Dear Johan

Am I pissed that you ghosted me, or am I pissed I didn't do it first?
I'm a petty bitch, so let's be clear, your dick was second to my worst. 

Your facial features were cute, I cannot tell a lie.
Your dimples were sexy, as were your green eyes.

Aside from that, though, your dick was trash.
It was so bad, it led me to Philly where I was showing my ass. 

I don't want to sound bitter, to be honest, I'm just hurt.
I thought you liked me a little bit, shit, I thought you knew my worth.

So it's on me that I made lunch for a man who didn't care.
And it's on me that I took you to new places and created moments for us to share. 

It was only a few weeks, so I'm not in despair,
I just wish you told me how you were feeling, instead of acting like I'm not rare. 

A gem, a beauty, a woman with class 
So, you kind sir, can kiss my ass. 

I Think I Love My Life...

I'm not trying to get married anymore,
I'd rather be perceived as a spinster or a whore.

It's not that I don't want to get married,

I'm just tired of living my life as if I will.

I'm tired of having hope on a first date,

When in reality we're both horny and not really looking for a mate. 

I'm tired of dating a man for three months, 

And pretending that it's something more than hedonistic fun. 

I'm tired of feeling bad about my body count,

Especially when I've had more orgasms than I could count.

I'm tired of feeling sparks fly,

When ultimately those butterflies are bound to die.

I'm tired of hoping and wishing for something that truly doesn't matter, 

When all of those negative experiences have left me worn and tattered.

Marriage is beautiful as is romantic love,

But I won't be less than if don't find any of the above.

So it's not that I don't want to get married because indeed I do.

I just hate living my life as if the ultimate goal is to say 'I do'

I want marriage because of partnership, security, and trust.

It's been hard for me to find that so now I must,

Focus on what's in front of me 

because God has blessed me abundantly.

Between my full scholarship to law school 

And my brand new car.

To my hefty 401k and my blooming wroth IRA

Why focus on what I lack when my ancestors have my back.

Between my mommy and my daddy who still consider me their baby

And my older sister who practically helped raise me

To my friends who give me grace when my mind is not in the right place,

And the current man I'm dating who likes to snuggle my face.

I can't be mad at the love I lack when I don't lack love at all.

And I can't be sad that I don't have a ring, especially when some marriages do seem kind of boring.

So it's not that I don't want to get married, I'm just tired of chasing it like it's the only thing that'll give me worth.

I'm 4-months away from turning 30 so I think it's time for my rebirth..

I want to heal from past trauma and accept myself with all of my quirks.

I want my bank account to increase so I can travel across the earth.

I want to break bread with the people I trust

And give in to allllll of my sinful lust.

I want to be happy if I'm single for the rest of my life and 

I want to be happy if I'm partnered until the day I die.

I want my happiness to come from within 

And not from an external factor such as a husband

So, so long tumultuous twenties, I bid thee adieu

To welcome my therapeutic thirties where I am renewed. 

I do deserve love but that love starts with me.

Because in truth, loving me is how I'll become happy. 

So I'm not TRYING to get married anymore, and I'm not chasing it either.

I'm focusing on me, and maybe HE will find SHE.

I'm Falling in Love With Her...

There's a curve in her smile that mirrors her hips
I love to see her talk, especially when she slowly licks her lips.

The way she walks is hypnotic,

And when she smiles at me I feel bionic. 

She's a goddess, an empress, a woman to be admired.  

I swear on my life, I'd fight for hers even when I'm tired.

She's wrapped in hot cocoa,

Sizzling and sexy.

Her hair stands up,

Defying nature and gravity.

She's a goddess, an empress, a woman to be admired. 

And until my dying death, I'll love her with fervor and fire.

Her intellect is potent,

She takes her time to learn in every moment.

I think I'm in love with this woman I've known all of my life,

Her name mirrors my own, that's how I know she's worth the hype.

There were times I hated her but I think I was just jealous,

Anytime she tried to pull herself up, I told her she was being over zealous 

She use to think she was pretty and I told her that was a lie

I told her life goes on without you, so it'd be better if you die

I regret all the times I spent putting myself down,

So moving forward, I'm going to look in the mirror and say 'Queen, pick up your crown'

I'm a goddess, an empress, a woman to be admired 

And to all my negative thoughts, it's time for you to retire.

Butterflies

I met someone who gives me butterflies.
Now I want him to rub his head between my thighs.

I want to feel his itchy locs scratch my punani

As I lament hastened breaths when he dives deeper into my tsunami.

I want him to start out gentle and slow,
"Now pick up the pace", I utter, "you are about to make me...oh" 

I roll my eyes as he salivates all over my aching body.
The body that aches for his touch, his love, his lust, his fuck.

I need him to bow down and drink this ambrosia from my fountain.
And love me so much I'm moaning his name as I'm drowning. 

I think he's sexy, I think he's fluff...I think he'll turn my world upside down after I take in his lust.

Ooo these men say they're ready for me,
But as I take in your aubergine tonight, are you sure that  you're ready for Z?

An Empress from the Caribbean aisles, autistic and bombastic. Mr. Fantastic! please take me on your ride 
I beg, as he slides....oooo he slides.

So as my mouth envelops your manhood 
And your manhood envelops my cunt.

You taste every inch of me as I'm crying because your member is just a little too much..

I'm not use to this sensation 
I'm not accustomed to our vibration.
But as I try something new tonight,
I'm getting used to your foundation.

You make me feel safe as I take you inside of me.
You promise to protect me from the predators alongside of she.

You give me space to be myself.
And you give you space to love yourself.
Is this magic, is this real?
Is this love or is he just tryna cop a feel.

I look forward to seeing how our love plays out… but in the meantime while we're young

Fuck me... and make love to my mouth.

A Letter to My God Daughter on Her 1st Birthday

 My darling Kata,

Today is your 1st birthday!

When I first met your mommy in 2014 it was like an instant connection. I don't connect with people easy at allllll but with Sahilia Ramirez, she was a safe space before I knew I needed one. She was the only person at Wheaton that I could be my full, unfiltered, unhinged self with. She never judged me at times I was judging myself and for moments I KNEW I was in the wrong. She was one of the people to show me what unconditional love looks in a friendship...and she was the first person to make me hug a tree...

And then I met you. Nearly 10-years from the date I met your mommy you arrived, and similar to meeting your mommy, the connection and love I felt for you was instantaneous. I am so blessed that I got to hold you at 3-days old and honored that our birthdays are within the same week. My Leo niece, please know that you are surrounded by love wherever you go. You have a village that loves you and will kill somebody if need be. On the eve of your 1st birthday, I write this with love, thank you for incarnating into this lifetime and making my life so much more full. You are a princess who will one day rise to a queen but in the meantime, please know, I got you. I can't wait to be the rich auntie that spoils you with whatever you want, but in the meantime, I'll spoil you with my love.

To Sahilia and Kevin, thank you for creating love through your own love. You all inspire me to be a parent but to wait until I find a love that will be worth the journey. You both are doing a beautiful job guiding your angel Earth side. Thank you for choosing me to be the madrina. I will hold this honor dear for the rest of all time and will always be right by your side.

Happy 1st Birthday Kata and congratulations on surviving and excelling at your first year of parenthood Sahilia and Kevin.

Love you guys always,

Zara

The 'N' Word

 What does nigger mean to you?

Merriem-Webster defines it as an insulting and contemptuous term for a Black person

OR an insulting and contemptuous term for a member of any dark-skinned race

OR  a member of a class or group of people who are systematically subjected to discrimination and unfair treatment.

Since there are no black-owned dictionaries just yet, I guess we'll go with that.

So, what does nigger mean to you?

For me, nigger is a trigger.

As a young black kid, you learn that nigger has several meanings, some of which juxtapose.

And as a proud, black kid, you learn to never let anyone call you a nigger, especially someone you don't know.

But what happens when you move to a town where your selectwoman is rumored to be part of the KKK....shout out to Bethany, CT

What happens when your 7th grade English teacher permits kids to use nigger because 'it's literature'...but you're the only black kid in the class...shout out to Mrs. Gamble.

And then in high school when the only time the popular kids would speak to you was to scream 'nigger' and laugh...Shout out to Amity.

Or on your first winter break home from college, a 6 foot 5 Israeli guy is chanting nigger all night long and when you ask him to stop he tells you to 'chill nigger' so you accidentally spill a drink in his face...oops. He then tries to charge at you, says a quick sorry when his friends calm him down but shortly after sexual assaults you when you fall asleep on the couch....what happens then?

Shout out to Shlomi Davidi....

If you've never experienced the full weight of the word nigger in a moment of terror, why would you use it in a moment of joy?

If you've never been scared for the safety of your sister who is forced to continue working after a white male stranger screams nigger to her face, why would you use it in jest?

If you've never shed a tear for ancestors who heard the word nigger right before the tree branched snapped from the weight of America's picnics, then why the fuck are you using the word.

I don't know if this is a poem or a vent session I'm forcing you all to listen to but I'm so s sick and tired of hearing non-black people use that word.

To my Hispanics who are not and have never identified as Afro-Latino, stop.

To my Asians who are not blended with the mixture of Jhene, Kimora, Naomi, or Kaeruche, stop.

To my whites who love black music but not black people, stop.

Yes, some black people do not care if you use the word just like some gays do not care about the 'F' word or Asians the 'C' word, or Jews the 'K' word, or Mexicans, the 'W' word....but others...others will make that word the last word you ever did say.

Because... they were triggered.

Guess My Favorite Animal

Majestic Magician Manifesting Matriarchy

Majestic Magician Manifesting Monogamy

Majestic Magician Manifesting Mystery

Majestic Magician Manifesting Manifestations

My favorite animal is the Majestic Magician.

The Majestic Magician comes in all sizes and colors; shapes and sounds.

They inhabit bodies, beautiful and round.

They take on roles; man, woman, human. Black, white, mixed.

They take on roles within roles, doctor, lawyer, accountant. Secretary, teacher, clerk.

They immerse themselves in this land of confusion forgetting who they are. Losing their magic.

Yes, my favorite animal is one that doesn't realize they're an animal at all.

It thinks these roles, responsibilities, and relationships they form are more important than their souls, consciousness, and nature that they neglect.

They forget that they are the chosen ones, the chosen animal, the Majestic Magician.

Yes they are on the ones who created the earth.

And they are the ones who manifested themselves

To nurture the nature that reminds them of their own.

The nature that’s one with spirit, one with planet,  one with love.

Love is that thing that connects us all, from dolphin to fish, cow to donkey, blade of grass to grass we smoke, we are one with it all. One with love, one with God, one with nature.

So to my favorite animals who are reading this poem, please remember who you are.

We are the Majestic Magician!

We are silly, we play, we drink, we eat, we fuck, we rest. Give your animalistic nature the love it deserves. Don't fall too deep into your character of human that you forget to manifest your magic.

So on the count of three, please roar with me. And don't forget to be silly and play, drink and eat, fuck and rest.

1.2.3 Roarrrrrrrrr