I Was Wine Drunk When I Wrote This Shit

 I don't believe anyone on earth could ever just want me as their partner

I'm working this out in therapy.

For most, I am able to speak life into their love.

And I'm able to do that for me too sometimes.

But when I get to my lowest of lows,

I just become my worst foe.

I've had some men stay around for a little over a year.

So long as I sucked their dicks, being sure to empty it.

I've also had some men be head over heels but for whatever reason, I couldn't catch their feels,

So I'd drift a part,

Maybe even breaking a heart

But, I've always stood in my truth,

Even when it is a fucking loop di loop.

I've never cheated nor have I been the other woman.

However, I've been cheated on, preyed upon, and unknowingly been the other woman.

That sucked.

But I'm not perfect either though.

I'm scared of my feelings growing too big because I  don't truly want to let anyone in.

I don't want to be exposed before I'm ready, I don't want to be loved before I'm steady.

So, I go to work and study for school.

I work on my non-profit and cook some fuel.

Those are my safe spaces where no one is telling me,

That 'I'm not enough'

Or that 'I'm being too much'

Because I'm just me, that's all I can be.

I like to spend time alone,

And smoke weed before socialization.

Because it scares me when one gets too close,

What if they hurt me without hesitation?

I don't mean to come off jaded,

To be honest most of the times, I'm probably faded.

I am a woman that has done her best to try and love herself, so if I ever show up as standoffish and shy, it's just because I'm trying to protect myself.

Because for over a decade this woman wanted to die and would actively pray for her demise.

Thank God she's left that space but sometimes she finds one comparable.

One where she doesn't want to die, not even in the least

But she wants to figure out what's wrong with her, why does every human interaction seem to leave her beat?

And why does she shake when she's with a man and why does she want to find love but is scared to try again?

No, it's not that I want to die. It's just that at times I'm scared to live...or at that very least, find it hard to understand how other humans can co-exist.

How come she doesn't tense up, when another body touches hers?

And how come he always seems to know the right words to say, when mine all seemed to have been lost in a deep abyss?

I'm a grown woman now, about to be 28.

But sometimes my 28 feels 5-years old, fueled by familial love.

And other times,  it just feels 18, and raped.

"Does that mean I'm healing? "

I ponder as I pour another drink.